My Journey Through Addiction and Healing
I never imagined I’d end up here—physically dependent on a drug known primarily for its dark nickname: the “date rape drug.” I never imagined I’d be writing this blog post, either. But I believe God has led me to this moment, not just to endure it, but to share it. To give voice to both sides of a story that I once judged too harshly.
I genuinely believed it could never happen to me—especially someone who typically avoids medicine unless absolutely necessary. I raised my children the same way: essential oils for earaches, hydration for headaches, and saline nebulizers or steam for colds. Medicine has always been our last resort, so much so that when my daughter needed stitches and they offered Advil, she panicked and whispered to me, “I know that’s a drug!”
Almost 20 Years of Trying
At 26, a sleep study revealed I was missing delta waves—the deepest stage of sleep, critical for physical healing, immune system function, memory consolidation, and hormone regulation. I later discovered (via dramatically improved GI concerns) that deep sleep also helps the body focus on digestion, repairing of the gut lining, and reducing inflammation. After exhausting all natural remedies and several different prescriptions, I was offered an FDA-approved drug often associated with date rape: GHB/ Xyrem. At first, I refused.
But everything changed when I was told, “Jackie, you’ve tried everything for your sleep disorder. This is your only viable option. I just can’t imagine how you are making it through each day with three children and zero deep sleep. I promise you will be able to function on a whole new level!” He addressed every concern I had—except one: addiction. He tried to comfort me by saying, “Since you will need this the rest of your life, I’m not concerned about addiction withdrawals.” He wanted to start me off with 4.5g x2, but I begged to start at 2.25g x2.
And it worked!! For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt rested. I was able to function again. I even weaned off anxiety meds and found a “sweet spot” with the medication.
Love Hate Relationship
Pure joy… that is, until I discovered I had become dependent. My skipped dose brought insomnia, racing thoughts, a heart rate of 118, shaking hands, depression, anxiety, and crushing exhaustion. Withdrawal symptoms hit hard—ironically from the drug that had helped me so much. I began tapering slowly, under a doctor’s guidance, but every week brought more intense symptoms. The brain adapts to the presence of a drug, and when it’s gone, it struggles to regain balance. The very symptoms the medication once treated now return with a vengeance.
I’m only a little over halfway through the taper (as the decrease was only 0.25g PER WEEK) and insomnia until my first dose at 11p, sleep well until 2a, and insomnia again until next dose at 3a, and back up around 5. Talk about cravings for more medication!!!
Grace Within the Storm
There have been many days I couldn’t drive our children to school, terrified that I’d fall asleep behind the wheel. My family has been incredibly supportive of picking up the pieces. Whenever I apologized, my daughter would point to that verse on a frame next to my bed and remind me, “God wants you to be still!”
This journey has taught me deep empathy. Addiction doesn’t always come from reckless choices. Sometimes, it’s the byproduct of desperation and limited options. I understand now—really understand—what it’s like to be stuck between needing relief and wanting to be wise.
Addiction doesn’t always look like we think it will. Sometimes it’s disguised as a solution. For some, it feels like the only method to drown deep dark feelings.
A Soft Whisper of Hope
On the bright side, I see how God is using this. He once told me, “You don’t need me to heal you. I gave you a mind capable of doing so.” I didn’t understand until years later, when He started placing these resources in my life. It was determined that I was stuck in “fight or flight,” but they also helped retrain my brain through mindfulness seminars, restorative prayer, trauma outreach classes, EMDR, cognitive behavior therapy, somatic work, nervous system regulation, HRV breathing, and neurofeedback brain training. These tools have brought incredible healing—more than surgeries or medications ever did. My headaches have nearly vanished, nightmares have stopped, joint and muscle pain has decreased, GI and brain fog struggles have improved, and I’m learning to live in peace instead of panic.
I appreciate the opportunities to have experienced these and pray they bring you as much healing as they have to me. A faulty nervous system will trigger many “idiopathic, unidentified, nonspecific, and syndrome” concerns. My bloodwork improved dramatically after completing this therapy. I’m looking forward to when I’m completely off Xyrem, so that I can test whether these treatments now offer me the ability to go into a deep sleep on my own.
The days that I start with a “Blessings Walk,” focusing on gratitude and connection with Jesus are almost guaranteed to have less anxiety. When I’m treating my body like a temple—nourishing it, forgiving others, and learning how emotions live in the body, I feel more whole and healed.
We’re All In This Together
We all have trauma, often repressed in our memory, so I recommend anyone with chronic health issues to consider starting here. Even “little t” trauma can lead to unanswered problems. It begins with treating the whole person: mind, body, and spirit.
Through God’s grace, and with support, we can find our way back to wholeness. Learning to turn to Jesus for healing, strength, and guidance can be transformative. He will show you the way.
