I sit here at 4am with a huge knot in my throat and a heavy heart asking God, “WHY?” We are on our 16th trip to the hospital for respiratory distress. While I need to be grateful for the 5 months we made it without prescription drugs for his condition, a hospital that listens and is willing to only use high flow oxygen and airway clearance, a support system that picks up the pieces when we need to rush to ER, two other healthy children, a hard working husband that provides for us financially and never once complained that we spend on average $12,000 a year to meet our insurance max, and so much more…. I still find myself struggling with pity. I did what normal 😉 people do and read through Facebook posts of a family that had it worse. Their daughter had cancer, yet you can tell how much they relied on God throughout the healing. She posted an article from a pastor calling “bullshit” on the phrase, “God won’t give you what you cant handle.” I’ve always questioned that and love that this guy was able to explain something that I can see more clearly now: God never claimed life would be easy or painless. He does, however, restore and redeem our suffering!
Maybe it’s to strengthen us. Maybe it’s proof to doctors that less invasive treatment can sometimes be more beneficial. Maybe it’s this blog helping one mom feel like she’s not in this fight alone. Maybe it’s to teach us even more ways to love others, as each trip I’ve learned how much the simplest gesture of kindness means to a child in the hospital or that mommy trying to be strong as her baby squeals in pain from an IV. Whatever the case, I trust God has a plan and I need to buckle up, let go of my control issues, and find the beauty in the brokenness!
Even people that don’t believe in God know, “There’s light at the end of this dark tunnel!” As terrible as life feels at times, there is always something more meaningful to focus on… something that will help heal your broken heart. I pray we all find those more easily and hold these thoughts tight as we slowly let go of our torturous ones!
I apologize if this middle of the night rambling doesn’t make sense. If nothing else, I had a good cry and I’m ready to face the day!