I’ve decided that I mostly just use this blog to record my research, so that I can locate more easily later. Otherwise, it’s lost forever… from my mind and into cyberspace. Hopefully, my Cliffs Notes (Do they even sell those anymore… or do we all just use Chat GPT now?) save you time and energy from your own search.
Since my oldest is now 12, we are wandering into the realm of the “coaching” years. This one has been the most difficult because I’m a controlling person by nature. I despise the feeling of chaos and will (and have) delegate most of my surroundings to avoid it. If we’ve followed the previous two stages accurately, this stage is less about correction and discipline, and more concerned with connection and depth in our relationship.
The trickiest part for me is that when working on our relationship and dealing with some insecurities of my own, I accidentally jumped into the “friendship” stage SIX YEARS too soon. As I was researching how to handle obstacles in this stage, it was shockingly evident that the same principles are true for how I speak to my 12 year old as how I hope to speak to my incredible husband. Luckily, a dear friend specializes in just that and will literally walk me through WORD-FOR-WORD on how to handle conflict. I need to remove the word “you” and replace it with questions and “I feel” statements.
I had requested that our son sit through this lesson, as my husband and I were both very impressed. Just like our marriage mentors explained, we will never be able to convince the other person that their perspective is wrong. The only chance we have is that one party submits, backs down, and resents you for putting them in that position… which will damage your relationship in the long run. The biggest goal to understand and hopefully model is that our feelings are valid, but our reactions may get us into trouble and damage the relationship we are working so diligently to strengthen. You don’t need to agree with the other person, you just need to know that they are “flooded” because their fight or flight responses have hijacked their amygdala.
The conversation should start by asking what action or response caused hurt/ frustratration/ embarrassment/ anger/ loss of power/ loss of control/ etc. Do NOT attempt this if they person is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It’s time to HALT! Immediately echo back what they say to reassure them that you are listening and understanding. Ask them to describe the physical feelings associated with that experience and suggest that they remember those, so that they can start the strategies sooner next time. Now, work together to come up with strategies that would help them calm down before speaking and agreeing on one to try. Also, suggest that they transform their accusations into questions. This will help weed out many misunderstandings. Next, establish some sign language that can be used to remind each other that they aren’t in a position to speak yet. Try to catch them doing so and celebrate it BIG. Also, offer times to practice, on occasion.
Finally, ensure that you end difficult days with quality time, words of affirmation, and possibly even touch (rubbing their back). No one needs to go to bed, while trying to process through all those big emotions… especially a tiny 12 year old that is just learning how to manage them.