How I FINALLY Found Jesus

A dear friend, Mary, once mentioned, “God is leading towards healing from the inside out.” I didn’t understand what she meant until I reflect on the journey I’ve been on for the last couple of years.  Another friend mentioned that God will place helpful resources in my path when he is ready for me to pursue.  This is extremely long, but if any aspect of it could help you find Jesus for yourself, I don’t want to delete.

How to Gain Influence with Others

You may notice a trend that the people that had the most impact weren’t trying to teach me, since that typically resulted in me being offended, as I didn’t believe I needed to be instructed on how to be a Christian. It has been those that poured into me, loved me, and allowed God to work his “magic!” I am embarrassed that it took me 43 years, but better now than never!

A Powerful Journaling Experience

I found notes from an Immanuel Journaling Exercise that a dear friend, Bree, sent me. You are asked to write from God’s perspective to yourself. On the step regarding my dreams and troubles, it says, “I want you to be patient with your healing. Take lots of notes so that you can help others. You are very influential (I hope that doesn’t sound arrogant.  I take it as a compliment to the joy I find in befriending new people and connecting them with people in my life who have helped me), but you need some fine-tuning on your approach. Remember, suffering produces character, which produces perseverance and then hope. This doesn’t bring shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.” I also found a journal, thanking God for not allowing a clear diagnosis or treatment, because it forced me to become more dependent on Him and less reliant on my efforts and those of many doctors.

Guess I’m an Onion

It all started at the library with the kids when a sweet mother/daughter duo stepped into my story.  Our girls were buddies from church and we just chatted while they giggled together.  Erin (mom) also suffered from failed attempts with many different diagnosis/ treatment plans from multiple specialists.  Upon reflecting, she mentioned that she didn’t start to heal until she went to an Inner Healer.  I had no idea what that meant, but willing to try anything.  There was a 6 month waiting list to see this woman.  A homeopathic doctor told me I was like an onion and would need to peel through the layers.  Little did I know, it wasn’t a medical peel I required, but a “Come to Jesus” one!

My Previous Perspective of Being a Christian

I was brought up Catholic, but only knew the legalistic impression of God. I started attending North Point churches when I was 22 and began to learn about a relationship with Jesus… yet didn’t fully understand or even believe in the trinity, that the resurrection saved us from our sins, or even that Jesus rose from the dead. I’ve been in countless Bible studies, but they just slightly chipped away at my distorted thoughts.

I begged God to prove He spoke to me and had a very specific and real situation that I knew was Him because it required my 24 year old selfish self to trust and believe Him with a significant donation that I didn’t think possible to even have available. CLICK HERE for the full version of my experience.

A few months later, I attempted to renew my faith by being baptized again (previously at infancy) at the Labor Day church retreat.  I was denied that gift because all of my answers focused on God, rather than Jesus. I honestly didn’t learn the difference until I was teaching my children many years later.  Even though I do not recall an “Ah-ha moment” or being around anyone that had one prior to attending Buckhead Church, I have always felt like I was a solid Christian. Even though I viewed God as my Savior because He is the One that sent Jesus, I was basically told I was wrong.  When I questioned whether Jesus dying actually saves us from our sins, I was wrong again.  When I tried to defend myself by saying that since God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are one in the same because of the Trinity; therefore, me worshiping God should be acceptable… I was still wrong.  All of these debates pushed me further away from wanting to pursue a relationship with Jesus and damaged these relationships with these well- intended people trying to teach me.

I continued to struggle saying what others “stated” were the right words and thoughts, when in my mind, admitting that a Christian is someone who believes that Jesus is their Savior, my little sister (that passed away at 14) wouldn’t qualify as someone who was accepted into heaven.  However, based on the beliefs I was brought up with and much research online, Janelle did seek to live her life according to the principles and values taught by Jesus Christ; therefore,  I can be confident she is safe in heaven.

Fast forward 18 years, lots of messy and highly toxic relationships, the exact husband I prayed for, and 3 beautiful and healthy children that remind me daily that God is always there for us.  I was still thirsty for a real connection with Jesus and not just knowledge about him. 

Keeping God in the Center of Our Marriage

In March of 22, I decided it was time to invest more into our marriage.  We were fighting our way out of a yearlong battle of “hurt people hurt people!”  The facilitators that led our group will not only be considered lifelong friends and contributors to saving our marriage, but now loved family!  They now lead a ministry called Intentional Marriages. We are no longer allowed to fight for who is right since that hasn’t been successful… ever!  Now, we need to dig deep enough to discover how we have bumped up against their wounds and are compassionate enough to share that we weren’t trying to hurt them.  We’ve since discovered that 90% of our fights are misunderstandings that just needed time to cool off and chat through our flooded and distorted thoughts. They have a conference in February if you’d like to join us.We’ve been to marriage counselors,  but not one came close to as talented and helpful as IM. CLICK HERE to see what we learned at Thrive.

How Being in a Small Group Has Helped Me

In July of 22, my Bible Study group went through Resilient and helped me understand the importance trying to set aside 5 minutes of quiet time with Jesus every day, honor the Sabbath, weekly date night, say “no” more to allow more free time, pray, quiet reading as a family, take captive your thought life and do not allow speculation, practice positive self-talk, no screens in bed, more worship music, and less giving to others until your love tank is full.  Difficult, yes!  Value, priceless!

CLICK HERE to see many other studies that have helped me grow as a Christian.

The kids’ school so kindly offered a parenting class called Pathways2Life.  They gave us a survey to better understand ourselves and our reactions.  My feelings of being defective, misunderstood, and rejected lead to broadcasting, catastrophizing, controlling, and venting. That pretty much summed up my struggles and what I’ve been working on improving.

Knock and Wait For the Door to Be Opened

Awhile after finishing the Resilient study, I listened to advice from a dear friend, Michelle, to try the Pause app by John Eldredge. At 42 years old, I finally felt like I connected with Jesus. It was a pitiful interaction,  but helpful in healing my soul.  On Sept 3, 2022, John suggested I find Jesus in my heart and asked what obstacles I had. I had 2 of his 3 suggestions – it feels weird, and I don’t know how. He said to ask the Holy Spirit to help and then read scripture about knocking at the door and Jesus answering. I could only see myself banging at the door with the back of my fists and then sliding down the door crying out of defeat. After a minute, I could see the light from him shining under the door and then could see him walking towards the door. He opened it and asked me to start opening the “doors of darkness.” My estranged brother was in the first room, and the light from Jesus made the entire room bright. A friend who was upset with me was in the next one, with the same thing happening. She was curled in fetal position in the corner. Then, my older sister (also estranged), another upset friend, and then my Dad. My younger sister, Janelle, who passed away when I was 16, was in the final room, and she hugged me. She said she has been watching over me all along and protecting me. She talked about saving “my little boy!” She walked me out, rubbing my back. Then, Jesus helped me unhinge all the doors so that they were full of light.  It was beautiful and so freeing.

Another example was me asking him, “Why is your story so intricate and confusing?” This was immediately followed by, “I didn’t want to spoon feed. I want people to discover me for themselves. Sin separates you from God. The biggest sacrifice I could make to prove my love was to live a sinless life, yet offer my own for you to be eternally forgiven.” My brain does not process through information like that! He also said, “You don’t need me to heal you.  I gave you a mind capable of doing so.” Followed by,  “I don’t prevent people from poor choices but offer natural consequences and conviction to teach them.”

Still Frustrated That I Didn’t Fully Trust God

During the study of Breathing Room by Sandra Stanley, hosted by the amazing Karla, I learned, “Nothing is more urgent or important than our intimacy with God. From it flows the health and well-being of all of our other relationships. From our intimacy with God flows the rhythm of life that allows for the breathing room we desperately need.” I had also written in my notes that I wanted to trust God more, but didn’t know how, with a crying face!

Another Personal Invitation From Jesus

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my women’s bible study group, and a new friend was invited.  She offered to close us in prayer, and many of us cried because of how beautiful her gift was.  I followed her out the door and asked if she had prayed for a living!  Turns out, she is also an inner healer/ Restorative Prayer Warrior!  She invited me to her home for the first time on Sept 27th (so cool to see that it was only 5 days after that incredible meditation experience I had) to pray together and for over a year, chipped away at the lies I was believing my entire life.  CLICK HERE to see how she connected my exhaustion to this journey.

Lost in the Woods

On October 15th, one of my worst fears occurred.  The same child that was thought to have a birth defect resulting in death,  umbilical wrapped around neck,  18 hospitalizations with respiratory distress,  was now lost in the woods- on a mountain!  He took a wrong turn with two buddies and forgotten to find a phone to reach out to me. The other runners from an all boys Christian middle school (dreamy blessing called Anvil Academy) were incredible and reran the race, while a Godsend 16 year old informed me that he could guide me to a 6 mile trail he was likely on.  We drove up a gravel road miles away from the finish line, and this boy ran one direction (5 more miles) while a dear friend, Leslie, prayed aloud and then ran the other.  I sat in the van and cried out to God. As I’m driving down this unnamed road,  I see my sweet little 9 year old walking up! He said he wasn’t scared because they circled up, prayed, and went to a church to ask for help. 

Written Proof That I Really Could Hear Jesus

In November, my husband randomly brought up a women’s retreat that our friend, Emily, had recommended years ago.  I felt overwhelmed with my studies and tried to blow off the idea.  Later, I Googled it to discover it was 3 days in a cabin in the mountains!  Even though it was above our budget, I was giddy to share it was perfect timing to get away for some alone time.  However, one of the activities was to be alone with Jesus for THREE HOURS!  I hate being alone, I hate being silent, and on any other occasion, I couldn’t stay awake that long without being engaged!  But, of course, in God’s perfect timing, my doctor wanted me to try Provigil (a sleep disorder medication to ensure you stay awake) that very same week.  We were asked to journal our conversation with Jesus.  It wasn’t until I went back later that I realized the first 20 minutes consisted of brutal “I” statements, followed by about 60 minutes of very gentle and loving “you” statements and calling me by name! The first transition of pronouns said,  “Whenever I try to compliment you,  you tell me your weaknesses. We can work on that together,  but use those strengths to bless others. ” I later realized that this was the first time in my life I was quiet longer than 20 minutes without falling asleep; therefore, never allowing myself time to let my guard down.

God Says, “Here’s To You, My Visual Learner!”

I had tried watching Chosen previously and wasn’t a fan.  Of course, in November, a friend recommended skipping to the 4th episode.  We watched as a family and were all hooked!  We proceeded to watch all three seasons (even the first three episodes that we’d previously skipped) within a few months.  This put me one step closer to understanding Jesus and having a more realistic impression of his authenticity. I was able to relate to the characters,  especially the disciples who struggled to believe he was truly the Son of God.

Brand New Leaves of Blessings

I had referred so many people to my favorite inner healer, that has also formed a ministry called Resurrected Life, that she had asked if I would help create a small group for intensive healing.  This was a beautiful gift and I’m still begging her to publish the workbook she created for us AND start another session soon.  It was a true blessing and life-giving!  One of the assignments was to take a walk and pray. I was admiring the gorgeous fall leaves and felt like God was telling me that falling leaves are similar to our wounds. I want to hold on to them, believing the lie that if I release them that I’ll be vulnerable to more trauma. However, if I trust the process, those wounds will be replaced with brand new leaves of blessings! ❤️ Now, I just need to find a way for my sympathetic system to get on board!

Our Brains Were Created in God’s Image

I was chatting with a fellow mom from my son’s school.  Christi is so knowledgeable and wise.  I asked what she did for a living, and she is a trauma therapist, with a ministry called Beautiful Creations.  Of course, God opened a door for me to reap the benefits of her giftings.  Whether “Big T” or “little t” trauma, it all needs to be processed and released to Jesus. 

She offered a once a month community outreach where she taught us about mental health from a Christian perspective, linking what I learned about from neurofeedback brain training and mindfulness training back to Jesus. CLICK HERE to explore some great resources for anxiety and dealing with problems.

God Created Us For His Plan

In March of 23, my husband and I attended Parent Summit Live at North Point Community Church. It was meant to help our children, but I was more impacted by their wisdom. They mentioned the goal of our children’s faith influencing their fears, verses the other way around. They said to remind them, “In this world, we WILL have troubles, but God created you for His plan.” They also correctly identified that I tend to control and overprotect because I overestimate the problem and underestimate capabilities. They have these extremely practical sessions often and online for those of you that do not live nearby.

God Created Our Brains, Minds, and Bodies to Work Together

A friend suggested I read Body is Keeping the Score, which was incredible.  I just want to offer an add-on to find a safe and vulnerable time to do so.  I read on the way to Mexico and was crying on the plane because I struggle remembering anything from ages 8-12.  However, it was an excellent reminder that I needed to work through trauma, codependency, and boundaries.

After circumstances surrounding the passing of my grandfather last Christmas Eve, it became evident that I needed to kick those three into high gear. As painful as it was to lose one of the only people in my life that NEVER hurt me and was always there for me, I could feel the Lord’s thumb on my healing journey.

New Perspective

I will admit that because I didn’t have any serious convictions of sin,  I wondered if my struggle was related to not “needing” forgiveness.  That is,  until those inner healing sessions where I was accurately able to identify many sins,  like holding grudges, unforgiveness, rude, impatient, judgie, controlling,  unsolicited advice,  gossiping,  slandering, fearful,  over-reacting,  over-indulging, and many more.  Whoops! Time for a shift in thinking!

On September 3, 2023, my children were being baptized by my incredible husband and brother-in-laws (both phenomenal pastors). As they were questioning my children to ensure they were ready and aware of what this meant,  I was silently giddy because I finally knew all the answers, recognized this gift,  and grateful for the opportunity. They looked over and asked,  “Are you ready?” I had never felt so ready for something before.  It was beautiful. My nieces and nephews were praying over us, playing the guitar, and worshiping together.  Cute sidenote: my son noticed that my last attempt to be baptized was also Labor Day weekend.

Don’t Ever Underestimate the Power of Prayer

I had just left an Inner Healing session and not only did my heart feel heavy,  but my head was responding in a way that it often did when I had any intense emotions… with the onset of a migraine that would take me out for the rest of the day.  My fellow homeschool momma and incredible friend, Sarah (she’s bold with her faith,  speaks of it often, and offers very wise and practical advice in regards to it) asked if she could pray over me. As she thanked Jesus for giving me a heart of compassion and empathy,  she asked him to remove those feelings and release the pain in my head.  I could physically feel the pressure release and immediately disappear.  It was so beautiful and a pleasant reminder of the potential that this newfound relationship with Jesus could bring.

Wise Beyond Their Years

Over Thanksgiving, my 18 year old nephew, Jake, walked us through a devotion and suggested studying one verse a day.  I have since begun this habit and added the beneficial activity of listing blessings full of gratitude and prayer requests to be left at the foot of the cross.  It’s awesome because when those stressful situations arise, I immediately look forward to writing them down and releasing them to the control of Jesus.  He has answered these prayers in an almost unbelievable amount of time and “winning me over!”

If you are looking for a baby step in your journey, please order this easy to understand bible (yes, I know it says for teens- that’s on my reading level 😉 and journal to start today.

Parenting By “The Book”

Of course, as I’m working on this blog,  God allows a parenting journey to rock my world and tie him into my story.  I met Rachel when I had her dear son in my preschool class of 1 year olds. Fast forward 11 years, and our boys are great friends.  After my typically precious boy lost his mind like a lunatic,  I asked him if I should ask his buddy’s mom for wisdom,  since she was previously on staff with my favorite parenting ministry,  Birds on a Wire (incredible free podcast, categorized by parenting concerns). She called and poured into my wounded soul for 30 minutes, followed by lengthy (and much appreciated voicemails) focusing on the fact that parenting adolescents requires me to relinquish control, that I struggle holding onto so very tightly, to Jesus and become closer to the Holy Spirit,  begging him to work through my son and establish routines that will aid in molding him into a Godly man. Talk about God’s perfect timing!

Psalm 115:12

At the same time, I’m altering calls with one of my favorite people in the world, Leslie. We met almost 20 years ago and have walked through almost any up and down of life that you can imagine together. Not only is she there for my children and myself, but she can relate with my husband in such a way that she’s able to explain to me why he’s acting in ways I don’t get and even call us both out when necessary. I’m forever grateful God has allowed us to meet!

Another relationship orchestrated by God was meeting our mentors through 2-to-1 (a program offered by NPCC, which we highly recommend to all engaged couples). Not only are they lifelong friends, but we had the opportunity to live with Whitney, Julian, and their three beautiful daughters (that are rocking their young adult lives). Many parenting techniques we agree with have come from witnessing first hand, being led by them in a few bible studies, and now frequent calls and dates to seek more wisdom!

Find Yourself a Village To Do Life Together

This Bible Study group that I’ve spoken of so highly is always very welcoming to new friends. If you live near Cumming, GA… please join is on Thursday mornings! We are kind of like the movie Small Group, just a bunch of crazy people, living in a world full of sin and temptation, trying to find Jesus and hold each other up as we continue to fail at this thing called life.

That’s All For Now, But Likely Not Forever

We will all continue to experience hard things,  but God has a plan to piece together all the parts for His glory and our well-being. Be compassionate and curious with your personal emotions. Remember that your body stores feelings. Appreciate what your body does for you and ask your body what it needs to heal.

Most of the hyperlinks above will take you to affordable or free resources to help you on your journey. If it’s too much, reach out to me and I’ll contact them myself to get you a discount! 😉

I want to leave a legacy,  not a trauma wounded story. This testimony is proof that God has been pouring into me my entire life! Even today, I am stunned that the sleeping disorder medication that is currently helping me wake at 6am (without an alarm and actually feeling rested) wasn’t permitted to happen without yet another thousand dollar sleep study that we weren’t ready to invest the money into a THIRD time, yet God opened doors to make it happen. Cute side note, this medication is crazy expensive and we were somehow accepted into a coupon program that charges us $5 a month!!! Thankful for that lil God wink! 😉